By Kyrié Carpenter, Eden Educator
Not Trying to Stay Young
Kyrieosity.com
This blog is in honor of LGBTQ+ History Month. Details in this story have been altered to protect confidentiality. The essence and spirit of the experience remain true.
The Story Begins
When he first moved in, he had the easy confidence of someone who had done the hard work of becoming at peace with himself. From his story, we knew he had left an unaccepting family on the East Coast and found a chosen family in San Francisco. He had survived the AIDS epidemic. And now, he was an integral part of our community — accepting help with things dementia had made more challenging and adding his warmth and ease to our community.
There is a Shift
Then, something shifted. The sparkle in his humor dulled. The clothes he chose were a bit more drab. He grew quieter, more careful — as if building a shell around himself. It was heartbreaking to watch. We tried to meet him where he was, offering companionship without intrusion. Slowly, it became clear he had forgotten that he was out, in San Francisco, safe and accepted. The man who had once lived openly and joyfully had retreated into a familiar closet of self-protection.
And then, slowly, something shifted again.
Community Rediscovered
One afternoon, while staff decorated for Pride Month, he paused at the doorway. His eyes lingered on the rainbow-colored garland, the laughter, the ease.
“Do you… celebrate that here?” he asked softly.
“Yes,” someone said, with a smile that was both invitation and affirmation. “Always.”
A few days later, he wore a brightly colored scarf. His old light began to return — the quick wit, the warmth, the quiet pride. His wardrobe became more vibrant than ever before. He spoke more openly about his sexuality. His whole body moved with the fluid grace of someone no longer watching their step.
Watching him come out again — not to an unaccepting family, but into an inclusive community — has been one of the greatest honors of my career. His dementia didn’t erase who he was; it erased the trauma of exclusion. It offered a second chance. Through his bravery and the community’s inclusiveness and love, he found healing and acceptance.
Well-Being Strengthened
It was a living example of The Eden Alternative’s Domains of Well-Being — identity, connectedness, meaning, and joy — not as abstract principles, but as lived experience. We witnessed them weave together to offer him a greater sense of well-being than ever before.
He showed us that growth is possible, even in the face of forgetting. That belonging can ground a sense of self. And that community, when rooted in love and inclusion, can help someone find their way home to themselves again and again.
As we celebrate LGBTQ+ History Month, may his story remind us that becoming ourselves is a lifelong journey — one that continues even through forgetting.
Each act of affirmation, each gesture of welcome, each spark of joy strengthens the fabric of our shared humanity.
About The Eden Alternative
Our Mission: To improve the well-being of Elders and their care partners by transforming the communities in which they live and work.
The Eden Alternative offers educational opportunities, consultation and a proven approach to honoring Elderhood – with resources for Elders and their care partners to elevate well-being.
