The Power of Negative Thinking: how embracing authenticity over positivity supports well-being

Join the online course! Leading with Intention: Communication Strategies for Thriving Teams –  May 7, 14, and 21 from 1:30PM – 3:00PM EST. Learn about topics, CE hours, and more! https://bit.ly/3YixvBt

The Power of Negative Thinking: how embracing authenticity over positivity supports well-being

Always a sucker for seasonal analogies (not to be confused with seasonal allergies, although I suffer from those too), I initially envisioned this blog as relating to spring themes: rejuvenation, growth, freshness, and light.  But the truth is, that’s not where my head and heart have been this month.  Life has felt heavy.  Sadness, frustration, anger, and overwhelm have been frequent companions.  Naming that right now, I feel the uncomfortable strain of pushing against prevailing “good vibes only” social norms: the spoken and unspoken demands to be positive, put on a happy face, fake it ‘til you make it, keep your chin up, and have an attitude of gratitude.  It feels like a risk to be authentic, especially in a public forum.  

But why is that the case?  If it would be ok for me to say I’m feeling warm and joyful, why wouldn’t it be equally ok for me to say I’m not?  Think of the garden metaphor that we learn in Eden Associate training.  If a garden only has sun and warmth, it will die; cycles of darkness and rain are essential for life.  Think of medicine, where acknowledging and exploring pain is the key to understanding how to heal.  

For all its ubiquity, the push for perpetual positivity isn’t realistic, sustainable, or even healthy.  What if instead, we affirmed authenticity?  Fostering and modeling authenticity is critical to effective leadership and is a foundation of the upcoming May course, Leading with Intention: Communication Strategies for Thriving Teams.

Symptoms are Solutions

As trauma expert and Eden Educator Lisa Kendall says, “symptoms are solutions.”  When we recognize this, we can see our own less-than-positive symptoms – things like negative emotions, burnout, anger, overwhelm, blame, and shame – as responses to and messages about problems rather than the problem itself.  Then, instead of ignoring or suppressing them, we can get curious about what they are saying: what is the deeper issue, what needs or values are we trying to fulfill, and what is so important to us that our bodies and minds are sending us these supercharged alerts? 

Many of us have been conditioned to label emotions as “good” or “bad,” and to hold strong beliefs about when and how much to express them.  But the reality is, all emotions are a form of communication about our needs, and the information they give us is critically important.  “Positive” feelings tell us our universal needs (think Eden Domains of Well-being: things like connection, meaning, autonomy, growth, joy, identity, security) are being met.  “Negative” feelings are even more crucial messengers, because they tell us that a fundamental need is not being met.  For example, we may experience frustration at work if our need for effectiveness or purpose isn’t met.  When we try to shut those feelings down or label their expression as not being positive enough, we miss their powerful guidance.  

Don’t Shoot the Messenger

Only by engaging with the full range of emotional experience can we truly connect with ourselves and each other.  I’m still on the journey toward being able to sit with negative emotions – mine and others’ – and listen to what they’re saying.  A wise elder in that process has been Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the late psychologist and founder of Non-Violent Communication (NVC), who explained, “every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”  I now get far less stuck in despair or hopelessness when my emotional scales tip into the red.  Instead, I usually experience a sense of wary curiosity and even reluctant appreciation as I unravel the messages underlying my negative feelings.

When we tell ourselves not to authentically feel or express certain emotions, we silence our most fundamental tool for understanding how to support our well-being.  Yet, that is exactly what we do so often in our organizational and care cultures.  Anger in particular is taboo, to the point where we may even write care plans or employee action plans to curtail it.  While these approaches can come from a place of good intentions, they shut off the very communication that allows us to understand needs, thereby perpetuating rather than resolving the underlying issues.   

Like masking symptoms in a disease, suppressing anger, sadness, overwhelm, frustration, etc. may create a temporary sense of reprieve, but the deeper issues inevitably will come back and be more severe when they return.  Instead, we need to create systems and practices that support healthy, safe, and open ways of expressing and acknowledging all emotions – and, subsequently, universal needs. 

Awareness, Curiosity, and Grace

Making the shift from judging negative feelings and behaviors to listening to what they are telling us is an ongoing practice.  It requires awareness, curiosity, and grace – the foundations of Compassionate, or Trauma-Informed Communication.  By centering awareness, curiosity, and grace while establishing healthy boundaries and shared expectations, we create the conditions for people to engage bravely, collaborate respectfully, and cultivate well-being.

We learn how to do this and so much more in the upcoming online courseLeading with Intention: Communication Strategies for Thriving Teams, comprised of three 90 minute sessions: Starting with Self, Communicating as a Team, and Building Stronger Communities.  Embracing authenticity by viewing all emotions as messengers transforms our connections to ourselves and others, which in turn transforms culture and communities.  

For me, teaching and writing meet my needs for contribution and purpose, and just writing this blog has transformed some of my emotions.  If you’re ready to better understand and transform yourself and your leadership, sign up for the course: Leading with Intention: Communication Strategies for Thriving Teams –  May 7, 14, and 21 from 1:30PM – 3:00PM EST. https://bit.ly/3YixvBt

About The Eden Alternative

Our Mission: To improve the well-being of Elders and their care partners by transforming the communities in which they live and work. 

The Eden Alternative offers educational opportunities, consultation and a proven approach to honoring Elderhood – with resources for Elders and care partners to elevate well-being. 

About Rebecca Hubbard

Rebecca Hubbard is an Eden Educator and faculty member based in Denver, Colorado.

Rebecca Hubbard has been working in Eldercare, behavioral health, and organizational transformation for over 20 years.  After exploring everything from administration to staff development to social work, her passions for well-being and equity ultimately led her to education and The Eden Alternative. She currently writes and teaches courses on communication, trauma-informed care, behavioral health, and leadership for both healthcare and educational organizations.  She also serves on the founding board of an innovative school bringing the principles of inclusion, well-being, and person-directed learning to PK-5 education.