Drama. Miscommunication. Power struggles. Gossip. Turnover.
Break old cycles of conflict, division, blame, and shame.
We wouldn’t do this work if we weren’t compassionate, so why do we still end up repeating these same patterns? Even organizations that have fully committed to transforming culture don’t seem to be immune, making it especially hard to understand: why do interpersonal issues keep popping up?
In this blog post, learn ways to transform conflict into connection using tools that will be highlighted in the upcoming series beginning July 23: Foundations of Compassionate Communication!
Decoding Our Default Mode
The barrier to sustainable change is also the solution: our collective communication. While we may be shifting away from institutional language, most of us still use default communication strategies that can cause disconnection and damage trust in our communities. If you’re skeptical or think this sounds extreme: listen for a few minutes to your own internal voice. Do you hear phrases like, “What’s wrong with me today?” “Well, he should have known better.” “Why does she always have to be so difficult?” Sound familiar?
Staying in our default communication – where we judge, label, and blame, no matter how subtly – will derail even the most committed efforts at person-directed, trauma-informed care. If you truly want to change culture, you need to change communication.
Compassionate Communication offers the tools to align your communication with your values. By combining attention and intention, it teaches us how to show up with awareness, curiosity, and grace.
When we practice Compassionate Communication strategies, we can see past our differences to our universal needs. Only then can we create an environment that supports well-being for all. We have to address the areas of disconnection.
The Antidote to Disconnection
Compassionate Communication is the antidote to disconnection, and is rooted in the work of psychologist Marshall Rosenberg who developed Non-Violent Communication (NVC). NVC is founded on the idea that beneath all our actions and feelings are universal needs: things like connection, meaning, security, etc. (essentially, the Eden Alternative Domains of Well-Being!). Whether we have “positive” or “negative” feelings or actions depends on whether those needs are met or unmet.
You likely have heard the phrase, “behaviors are unmet needs,” but how often do you apply that perspective to your coworkers and yourself?
For example, how many of you have a coworker who frequently talks over others and tends to micromanage?
Maybe you’ve labeled them as bossy or controlling. If you instead view their behavior as an attempt to meet a universal need, you can get curious about what the need is (Responsibility? Contribution? Efficacy?) and collaborate to find a mutually beneficial way to meet this need. Your approach to that individual will look significantly different when it is based in understanding versus judgment.
You Can’t Unsee It
Instead of focusing on what is wrong with ourselves and others, Compassionate Communication calls on us to ask, “What is important?” By seeing feelings and actions as messengers about universal needs, we can start to communicate from a place of commonality rather than division. This can be a complete paradigm shift in how we show up and express ourselves in the world.
Once you start seeing the world in terms of “people attempting to meet core needs” instead of “people being wrong or difficult,” you can’t unsee it. Does that mean there’s no place for limits and consequences? Of course not. Compassionate communication embraces the idea of “open hearts, strong boundaries.” By learning how to recognize and communicate from our shared needs, we can find connection, healing, and ultimately growth.
“What You Say Next Will Change Your World”
In the Eden Alternative we say, “Words make worlds.” Dr. Rosenberg said something very similar: “What you say next will change your world.” If you’re ready to change your world by changing your communication, sign up for the Foundations of Compassionate Communication series starting July 23rd!
If you have questions or would like to share anything that came up for you with this post, please reach out to Rebecca Hubbard at bigowlinsight@gmail.com.
About Rebecca Hubbard:
Rebecca Hubbard is an Eden Educator and Empowered Teams Facilitator based in Denver, Colorado.
Rebecca has been working in Eldercare, behavioral health, and organizational transformation for over 20 years. While studying at Harvard University, Rebecca changed her career path from law to healthcare after volunteering in several Boston communities and seeing the urgent need for a more humane and effective approach. After exploring everything from administration to staff development to social work, her passion for well-being ultimately led her to the Eden Alternative. She currently writes and teaches courses on communication, trauma-informed best practices, education, and leadership, serving a broad spectrum of ages and organizations.
